Breath Blog

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Panic starts and subsides. Fear is a useless option...

This is a short piece of writing describing my return to meditation following my diagnosis of cancer in August 2011. It was written about a week ago between my seventh and eighth round of chemotherapy, as “chemo brain” really started to kick in…

I feel the panicking as my breath parts company in the tunnels of my body.
It is at once as subtle as the hour passing, but with no chance ever to return.
It is hope, as love and hope, as the diaphragm rises and falls. It just gives me hope, as the wonder of inhalation and exhalation continues without any interruption.
I find it difficult, as I want to take over.
I want it all to work automatically, but I have to lay my head to rest in hope and love.
I have the perseverance as the ups and downs of my breath bring me comfort, as the minutes tick by.  Can I persevere, or can I not?
Yet the effort puts me in a universe of comfort. As the medications release me, I have the knowingness as I release myself from the FEAR. The instructions are clear about FEAR now. I have love and hope now.
As the heartstrings of my lover restabilise me. I can have the moments as they are built up easily. And it is so wonderful to find that the moments are a holy string of beads that are once more strung and drawn together in tenderness and peace, as my universe wakes me again and it all starts to make sense…AGAIN…

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